lost in the war of numbers

Oh my God, what a drama!

Firstly I am very sorry for not blogging in a week, especially because it was supposed to be my tone up etc week but here is my excuse:

First my internet connection broke down toegther with half of my power connection (half?! - yes only half of the power plugs in my room worked) and then I had the most stressful week in my life.

As usual I underestimated the work of packing all my belongings into boxes for moving out and started about 48 hours before... BAD MISTAKE! I literally packed every second of the last two days and ended up with 8 boxes, 12 sacks full of clothes, 2 suitcases again full of...guess what...clothes and 3 IKEA bags full of leftover stuff that I could't fit into 8 boxes, 12 sacks and 2 suitcases. I mean it was not my first time moving but it was the first time I had to do it all by myself and had no Mama or Papa around to help me and calm me down when having a panic attack, which quite frankly happened a few times within the last 6 days!


And now I am sitting in an empty room of 30 square metres and here every word I say 3 three times as an echo!


Unfortunately though I didn`t find any second to post and I feel very guilty, especially because it would probably have helped me avoiding some bad stress related eating and maybe prevented me from stepping on my housemates scale on monday... I am not sure why I did it. Maybe it was just out of interest or maybe I just wanted something positive to cheer me up...in fact the opposite happened. I was shocked by the number and probably more shocked about the fact that the number on the scale devastated me so much! I mean I know that the number is irrelevant as long as I feel good about myself and I am happy with my body but as soon as I saw this number all good thoughts seemed to have vanished and I felt thrown back to where I was a few month ago: controlled by the scale and unhappy with myself just because of A NUMBER!!! It feels like being lost and not being able to find the road you were on before! And even though it is a few days ago I still feel the consequences and still struggle to find my way back to the positive and happy thoughts that I had before! But I hope and know that a few days of good eating and running (which unfortuantely couldn't do the past week because there is something wrong with my knee: according to the doctor my inner thigh muscle is apparantly not as strong as the outer one and so my kneecap is pushed inwards whenever I run, weird?!) and of course less pressure and stress will lead me the way back to the 'road of positivity' I was on before. And I really learned my lesson when it comes to weighing myself! I promised myself on monday: I am not gonna weigh myself again until I am mentally strong enough to live with the number, as high as it might be, without relating it to the level of my self-esteem!!

Sorry about the long post but I had to get rid of all of these negative thoughts...blogging really is like therapy!

About my tone-up, relaxation and detoxing week: I will do this project at some point but with all the stuff going on right now I think it is better to postpone it! Tomorrow I will fly home (Munich) to spend the weekend with my family and friends (and celebrate my birthday with my homegirls!) before the 'Adventure France' begins on tuesday. I am excited but nervous about going there and living with a family as their au-pair! I really hope I can fullfill all there expectations!

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